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    ...There's absolutely nothing you can do about it when the waistband of your underwear starts to lose it's elastic, you might as well throw them out... I find it funny that Doug Pederson's middle name is "Irving"... Is there any fat lady who belts out a tune better than Adele?

    I was pretty surprised when I found out I worked for the Russians, but whatever, they are some friendly people... Don't understand why it's mostly the Russian men that kiss me when they have all those Russian Bride catalogues... Ducks just don't look right to me, I don't know, they just look like they were put together wrong...

    Ever since Richie Pryor died, I haven't laughed as hard at any comedian... With the possible exception of Chip Kelly... For my money, look for Kansas City to take on the Dallas Cowboys in the Super Bowl, those are two good teams with average coaches...

    MacDonald's still can put out some of the best cheeseburgers anywhere, and they always taste the same... And the fries are like greased heaven... I lost my taste buds in 1975 somewhere, I think it was probably inside my third wife... Looking for a lighter dinner? Try some refried beans on rice... But warn your family before you do... pull my finger...