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You locals can write in my name on April 26.
My platform:
1. From each according to his body type; to each his own special smoothie. (I know it is an unholy mélange of Marx and Kelly, but it fits.)
2. Neither a Cowpuke nor a Jints fan be. (I know it's a bastardization of Shakespeare, but bla bla bla.)
3. People who camp out in the left lane going 50 mph will be summarily executed.
4. People who recline their airplane seats in front of me will be thrown from the plane.
5. In keeping with the new trend towards voter suppression, voters will need to show three forms of government-issued ID, their birth certificate, their domestically raised placenta suitably preserved in a mason jar of grain alcohol(photos not accepted), a five hundred word essay on the Greatness of Dimmy, and a sex tape involving Asian Lesbos. (The last item will be reviewed by my Secretary of State, IG.)
6. Lowell George will take his rightful place and replace Abraham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial. Not sure what to name the Memorial after that, though. Maybe "Feat Resting Place?" Still going to have to work on that.
7. All Philadelphia teams will automatically receive the first overall pick of every professional draft every year. There are two benefits to this: (1) the obvious one; and (2) the enjoyment of hearing everyone else whine every year.
8. Kelly Green will deliver my State of the Union speech. Every year. And you will listen to him attentively or face harsh language from my Communications Director, Diggle.
9. Cable news stations will stop covering the news. They will be converted to running nonstop reruns of MASH, All in the Family, and I Love Lucy with intermittent commercials about mesothelioma and catheters. These shows will be rotated among FOX News, MSNBC, and CNN so as to avoid accusations of bias.
10. Cats will be outlawed. Both the animal and the Broadway Revival that is surely only months away. By amendment to the Constitution if necessary. And then only outlaws will have cats. Those who say "they can have my cat when they pry it from my cold, hard litter box" will be obliged.
I am asking for your vote on April 26. Thank you in advance.
My platform:
1. From each according to his body type; to each his own special smoothie. (I know it is an unholy mélange of Marx and Kelly, but it fits.)
2. Neither a Cowpuke nor a Jints fan be. (I know it's a bastardization of Shakespeare, but bla bla bla.)
3. People who camp out in the left lane going 50 mph will be summarily executed.
4. People who recline their airplane seats in front of me will be thrown from the plane.
5. In keeping with the new trend towards voter suppression, voters will need to show three forms of government-issued ID, their birth certificate, their domestically raised placenta suitably preserved in a mason jar of grain alcohol(photos not accepted), a five hundred word essay on the Greatness of Dimmy, and a sex tape involving Asian Lesbos. (The last item will be reviewed by my Secretary of State, IG.)
6. Lowell George will take his rightful place and replace Abraham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial. Not sure what to name the Memorial after that, though. Maybe "Feat Resting Place?" Still going to have to work on that.
7. All Philadelphia teams will automatically receive the first overall pick of every professional draft every year. There are two benefits to this: (1) the obvious one; and (2) the enjoyment of hearing everyone else whine every year.
8. Kelly Green will deliver my State of the Union speech. Every year. And you will listen to him attentively or face harsh language from my Communications Director, Diggle.
9. Cable news stations will stop covering the news. They will be converted to running nonstop reruns of MASH, All in the Family, and I Love Lucy with intermittent commercials about mesothelioma and catheters. These shows will be rotated among FOX News, MSNBC, and CNN so as to avoid accusations of bias.
10. Cats will be outlawed. Both the animal and the Broadway Revival that is surely only months away. By amendment to the Constitution if necessary. And then only outlaws will have cats. Those who say "they can have my cat when they pry it from my cold, hard litter box" will be obliged.
I am asking for your vote on April 26. Thank you in advance.
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