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**slag** · 02-23-2018, 03:11 PM

My personal all-time fave

Redskins’ Kike Owner Refuses To Change Team’s Offensive Name

https://www.theonion.com/redskins-kike-owner-refuses-to-change-team-s-offensive-1819575738

WASHINGTON—Denying widespread claims that the franchise is being offensive or disrespectful, the Washington Redskins’ kike owner announced Monday that he remains steadfast in his refusal to change the team’s derogatory name. “The Redskins represent 81 years of great history and tradition, and it’s a source of pride for our fans,” said the hook-nosed kike, stressing that the team’s insulting moniker is “absolutely not a racial slur by any means.” “‘Washington Redskins’ is much more than just a name. It stands for strength, courage, and respect—the very values that are so intrinsic to Native American culture.” The shifty-eyed hebe went on to assure fans that he will do “everything in his power” to preserve the team’s proud heritage.

**TerpEagle** · 02-23-2018, 04:14 PM

This is mine.

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https://local.theonion.com/local-lutheran-minister-loves-to-fuck-his-wife-1819564552

**Ellsworth** · 02-23-2018, 04:20 PM

that's a great one for sure.

this one always stuck with me

x.com

https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/176755576787836928

and this. i can't pick between them

Scientists Politely Remind World That Clean Energy Technology Ready To Go Whenever

https://www.theonion.com/scientists-politely-remind-world-that-clean-energy-tech-1819576507

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stating that they just want to make sure it’s something everyone keeps in mind going forward, an international consortium of scientists gently reminded the world Wednesday that clean energy technologies are pretty much ready to go anytime. “We’ve got solar, wind, geothermal—we’re all set to move forward with this stuff whenever everyone else is,” said Dr. Sandra Eakins, adding that researchers are also doing a lot of pretty amazing things with biomass these days. “Again, we’re good to go on this end, so just let us know. You seriously should see these new hydrogen fuel cells we have. Anyway, just say the word, and we’ll start rolling it out.” At press time, representatives from the world’s leading economies had signaled that they would continue to heavily rely on fossil fuels until they had something more than an overwhelming scientific consensus to go on.

**Pete** · 02-23-2018, 04:23 PM

My two sports faves

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https://sports.theonion.com/hurricane-sandy-victims-receive-roethlisberger-s-sexual-1819574175

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https://sports.theonion.com/michael-vick-fails-to-inspire-team-with-great-dogfighti-1819571048

**slag** · 02-23-2018, 04:32 PM

This one fucking killed me also

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https://politics.theonion.com/intelligence-briefing-interrupted-by-sofa-cushion-weari-1819915417

**jimbo** · 02-23-2018, 07:14 PM

My all time fav:

Shroud Of Turin Accidentally Washed With Red Shirt

https://www.theonion.com/shroud-of-turin-accidentally-washed-with-red-shirt-1819569675

VATICAN CITY—The Shroud of Turin, an ancient linen cloth believed to bear the image of Christ and considered by many clerics and devotees to be one of the holiest relics of the Christian faith, was inadvertently dyed a light shade of pink after being washed with a red T-shirt, sources reported Tuesday.